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Pros:The song "1999" before the year 1999
Cons:The song "1999" after the year 1999
"Future events such as these will affect you in the future" - Criswell

When is the future no longer the future? When it crashes through the present and suddenly becomes the past.

Famed 1950's TV psychic and star of Ed Wood's PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, Criswell, had this to say about future events: "future events such as these will affect you in the future." This is an interesting statement because the future in which you are being affected by the "future events" is obviously at a different point in the future than the point in which the future events are actually taking place. The keyword here is "affected." If you are affected by a future event, the affectation must occur at a point in the future after the original "future event" transpires. That is unless we are to be tricked into believing that affectation can occur instantaneously, which is laughably doubtful. No folks, the hidden meaning of Criswell's prediction is that we must not view the future as a singular, but as infinite futures which are colliding into the present at the speed of time.

Because of this infinite nature of "moments", it is impossible to determine in any exact way the instant that PRINCE'S hit single "1999" became a song about the present as opposed to a song about the future. Scientists have come up with an approximate time-measurement-based figure that is, for our purposes, close to the exact moment that the subject of the song "1999" collided into what was then known as "the present", but which we must now view in it's proper context: "the past." The figure the scientists have presented us with is 12:00:00 A.M. GMT, January 01, 1999.

For the time period existing between January 01 and December 31 in the year 1999, this song existed as both a song about the past and present simultaneously, as every second that elapsed in that year was immediately considered to be within the domain of "past events."

It was widely accepted by musiphysicists that "1999" existed in both the past and present throughout the entirety of the year 1999... that is until sometime in early January when a musiphysicist from Lisbon opened his eyes to the obvious conclusion that had been staring him in directly in the face. Since there were 11 remaining months in the year 1999, those months would be considered "future events", therefore PRINCE'S "1999" existed as a song about the past, present, and future simultaneously. This discovery, which seems so painfully obvious to us now, advanced the field of musiphysics by ten years. Musiphysicists have yet to come to a conclusion as to whether that ten year advancement means that the field of musiphysics exists both simultaneously in the present and future, or as some assert, that the present state of musiphysics should be treated as an event that transpired ten years ago. It may be at least ten years before a consensus is reached on that particular issue. By that time the advances made in the field of musiphysics will probably have caught up to a more "present-like" state. The one thing that is absolutely certain: this consensus will indeed be a Criswellian "future event."

At present, there can be no question as to the status of PRINCE'S "1999." It is without a doubt, a song about the past. What we have now is a song with completely different connotations than the upliftingly life-affirming message of a tune that was written about "future events" back in 1983.

1983 was a time in which all Americans from grade school children to senior citizens were living under the terror of impending nuclear destruction. The Soviet Union was a real threat and our nation had a President that was just "wiley" enough to mash that much-maligned "red button." TV movies like THE DAY AFTER provided extremely useful, non-exploitive information on the events that would transpire during the course of an actual nuclear holocaust. Most citizens were confident that they were doomed to die an excruciatingly skin-melting death, and all of history's most accurate prophets indicated that the year 2000 was in all probability a good time for this horrific catastrophe to take place.

Obviously the threat of atomic destruction was on the mind of one Prince Rogers Nelson. He had the forethought and vision to make an educated guess about the "future events" that would unfold just prior to the ghastly terror of World War Three. Would the citizens of the United States be collecting provisions and digging backyard fallout shelters next to the BBQ pit? No. They would not. By 1983 the American public was hip to the fact that they had been duped by 1950's government propoganda films. Folks knew that there was absolutely no chance of surviving a nuclear onslaught. Any survivors of the blast would die the agonizingly slow rotting death of radiation sickness. The only viable course of action would be to have a giant party in which everyone "danced their lives away." PRINCE, being a "present oriented" type of person, wrote a song about wanting to have a party in the present that was akin to the party he imagined taking place directly before total annihilation in the year 2000.

Now I know what you are saying. You are saying "if PRINCE'S song is really about wanting to party right now like it's 1999, then the song is in reality about the present and not solely about the future as had been previously stated." Yes, it would be very tempting to say something as foolish as that. It would seem to be a song rooted in present actions except for a key word found within PRINCE'S cryptic lyrics. That word is "tonight." PRINCE sings: "tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999." Clearly "tonight" is what Criswell would describe as a "future event." This is an event that would take place in the "future." In 1983 "tonight" was closer to the present than the year 1999. Nevertheless it must still be considered a future event. PRINCE'S desires to party in the "here and now" are postponed until a moment that exists within the realm of the future vaguely described "tonight." Since PRINCE did not specify an exact date in his lyrics, we can make no assumptions as to exactly which "tonight" he was referring to. One would be tempted to guess that PRINCE was writing about an evening that was to transpire sometime within the year 1983, but no one can be absolutely certain and PRINCE refuses to talk about it.

Apparently this man has something to hide.

I'd now like to jump ahead to the year 2000. We are nearing 2001 which will be "approximately" 2 years after the astounding existence of PRINCE'S "1999" as an ode to the past, present, and future simultaneously.

Now "1999" is condemned to being strictly a song concerned with past events. That is unless we go back to that crucial word "tonight." Tonight does indeed exist as a "future event", but the party that will take place "tonight" is nothing but a sad reliving of past glories as opposed to a raucous fear-of-impending-death- festival of unabashed hedonism that was hinted at when the song existed prior to the year 1999.

We now look at PRINCE'S fear-tinged paranoiac lines like "everybody's got a bomb we can all die any day" and smugly laugh. How wrong you were PRINCE! If we suppose that that ultimate party of 1999 would be the New Years Eve celebration before the year 2000 (the year in which the "party [is] over, oops, out of time"), then we can begin to formulate an updated meaning for the song.

How was the partying in 1999? About the same as any other year except that there were a few less nutcases in the bars because they were holed up in their cellars with barrels full of rice and pillowcases full of life's savings. Many people stayed at home and watched television, fearing some sort of anarchic riot or race war. Come to think of it, the partying in 1999 was what top sociologists describe as "lame."

Why would anyone ever want to party like that? Not "tonight", not any night. No, the parties of 1999 are best left to 1999. PRINCE must feel that his lyrics painfully mock him now. Hindsight is excruciatingly 20/20. All those years of aspiring to party like it was one of the suckiest party years since the Great Depression! Perhaps PRINCE gazes blankly into his sapphire encrusted reflecting pond while "pondering" a different turn of past events: "If only I'd have wanted to party like it was 1995! That was a great year!" Yes PRINCE, but how could you have known? Previous to 1995, the year 1995 was a "future event." PRINCE could have had no advance knowledge that 1995 was going to be a far better year for partying than 1999. That is unless... and mind you this is a very slim chance... in the future technology may allow living matter to be propelled backward across the span of time. Having full knowledge of the best partying years between 1983 and the year of his departure, PRINCE could return to 1983 and rewrite his hit single, changing the title from "1999" to a more appropriately partying year.

The only problem I can forsee with this is that PRINCE is a notorious egomaniac. He would undoubtedly be tempted to travel farther back in time, possibly to the early 1950's, at which time he could lay claim to the invention of ROCK AND ROLL itself with the recording of a hit song entitled "Party Like It's 1981." If this is allowed to happen, then the world will be subjected to bands such as COLOR ME BADD possibly as early as 1964! This must be prevented at any cost!

What lesson can we learn from all of this psuedomusiphysical analysis? Clearly, the moral of the story is that we must strive to party in the present moment as if it were indeed that present moment and not some arbitrary date in the future that we can have no absolute certainty of. This moral of course may not apply to licensed psychics who are sometimes able to obtain knowledge of select future events that will affect them in the future. These gifted individuals may choose to party as if they are partying in the present moment, or they may opt to party as if it is a party taking place in the future, as long as they are absolutely certain that the party that exists in the future is at least as good or better than the party that exists at the present moment. Of course psychics have been known to make mistakes. For years many psychics foolishly predicted that the Earth would be devastated by nuclear weapons in the year 2000! How stupid they must feel now!

Utilizing a "better safe than sorry" policy, it may be best (even if you are a licensed psychic) to under all circumstances party like you are partying at that precise moment. To party in any other way could constitute a grave error in judgement. Just ask PRINCE!